My Secret!

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I have Never, I Mean Never spoken to anyone about this except My Doctors and my friend Kathy Tyree. I thought is was my secret until my daughter mentioned it in casual conversation recently saying….”Mom, Do you still throw-up? I remember when you used to do that all the time”. I sat there in shock…..I thought no one knew “My Secret”!
Anyone that knows or pays attention to me can tell when my life is in crisis because I go through a period of drastic weight loss. Whenever I’m facing a overwhelming stressful situation I go to the place where I am in complete control…..I control what stays in my body. The clinical definition is Bulimia Nervosa. Bulimia Nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by ‘episodes’ of excessive overeating, followed by a variety of compensatory actions to avoid weight gain, including vomitting, laxatives, fasting or immoderate exercise.
I started the practice of bulimia my Freshman year of High School. I have always had a negative self image of myself, feeling like I was too light to be black & too dark to be white. I was always called “white girl” and told I had “weird eyes” which caused me to not look people in the eye when they spoke to me. When I initially started the practice bulimia it had nothing to do with my weight, it had to do with control. I could not control what people said, where I lived, where I went to school, what was happening in my home or my life but I could control what stayed in my body & as strange as it sounds it made me feel better.
Immediately after high school I got married and I promised myself that I would not do this anymore. I kept that promise for about 6 years but as time passed, special attention was being paid to my consistent weight gain. I remember when we came across a picture that was taken in Germany & the statement was made that “we look like the number 10”. Although I laughed I was crushed inside. It was this type ridicule, along with the fact that ‘I’ always felt like I was competing for the attention of my spouse that acerbated the situation, thus began my continuous cycle of weight gain/weight loss and almost 25 year constant struggle with  Bulimia (binging, purging & excessive exercising)
When crisis or challenges came in my life, whether it was family, home, work, church or my marriage, I always felt that it was my responsibility to handle it and I did, not realizing the pressure I was putting on myself. I was a wife, a mother, a employee, the first lady (the Sr. Pastor’s wife) and it was my responsibility to make sure Everyone was healthy & happy and I did a Great Job. No one can ever say I didn’t take “Great” care of my family! I balanced it all for over 29 years with the help of ‘My Secret’ which I did off & on until it seemed everything came crashing down in 2011. My children had left home, my marriage was deteriorating and there seem to be nothing I could do to save it so the practice of Bulimia became my constant companion. Most of the time I was alone so I would work extra hours then go to the gym, workout to the point of exhaustion, go home, eat vegetables, purge, take a sleeping pill, wake up the next day, take caffeine pills to make it through the day and this was my daily ritual for over a year. I didn’t realize the toll this practice was taking on my Body, my Heart, my Blood Pressure, my Kidney’s, my Esophagus & my Teeth. When I went to my doctor for my annual physical in April of 2011, I weighed 244 lbs. When I went back in April 2012, I had lost 78 lbs. Then after passing out at work in September 2012, I was told I had lost another 38 pounds & By October 2012 I had lost a total of 128 lbs in 18 months & weighed 116 pounds. I had spiraled out of control & did not know how to reel it back in.    *more about this in my book*
That was then, this is now May 2015. Although I still struggle with the urges that come with Bulimia & have faced many crisis is my life……I have not binged or purged in 2 years! As of April 2015, I am off ALL MEDICATIONS! I’m learning to ask for help, admit when I’m overwhelmed, express my feelings and accept that everything may not be OK, but I AM.  I’m healthy & maintaining a healthy weight with diet & exercise. My hair is longer & healthier than it has ever been (I even see my edges growing in. LOL). My skin is clear & bright and my skin tone is anything but pale (Thank you Florida sun). I’m feeling & looking better than I have in years…….PRAISE GOD for Deliverance. He said he would do it & HE DID!!!

25 thoughts on “My Secret!”

  2. Thank you for being courageous and telling your story! Each day you are helping others gain control and change their lives. Continue to allow God to use you.

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  3. Wow! You covered up a lot so well. I am so glad to see that you have overcome everything that was meant to break you down. God knew what you had in you and others knew as well. So their insecurities out you down even more. But GOD brought you out. Thank you Jesus for rescuing my friend. You have blessed he to finally accept herself. She may still have work to do but continue to put positive people in her life that will let her know how beautiful she really is.
    First Lady Adams, when I first seem you at Mt. Moriah I thought you was so confident and beautiful with and awesome spirit. From a distance you was all that I wanted to be. But the more I came in contact with you the more I realized that something was wrong but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Now, I know a lil bit more. Thanks for sharing! Know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made by God which you often told the youth at Morning Star. Keep fighting to be the greatest Traci you can be. You look good! I am so proud of you! 😘

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  4. MsTraci
    Thank you so much for being transparent. I as well only saw you from a distance in church as a beautiful, kind, soft spoken, loving, confident woman.
    Your real life story is also the reality of alot of women who are afraid to open up. Just reading a few blogs of yours have really made me self evaluate and understand by worth. So maybe i too can share with the world some of my own testimonies one day.

    Thank you
    Continue your faith walk
    Be blessed

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  5. Traci my sister you are an awesome women physically, mentally and spiritually. As you know I suffered from some of the same behaviors. I just didn’t eat at all. Now a year later not only am I healthy, sexy and might I add beautiful – I am loving the life that God had given me. We will continue to step forward together and do it with grace and a smile. Much love my Sista.

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  6. Your continued transparency will be an ongoing blessing and inspiration to us all. Do not allow anything or anyone to discourage you from going in the direction that God clearly has for your life. I know how much strength and courage it took for you to post this today…I am honored to call you my sister and my friend!

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  7. Powerful testimony! I believe this will help someone else sis! To Good be the glory for all that He continually does through you and in you!

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  8. Thank you Traci. You are such an inspiration. Many people believe there are certain struggles that black women are exempt from and your story proves that eating disorders are real and they know NO boundaries. Your story also reminds me how faithful and merciful God is and how amazing God’s love is. God had a plan for you from day 1…He refused to let you go and now the world will benefit from your journey. I love you!

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    • So true Traci, which is why God pressed me to share this & it gave me a opportunity to dialog with mt daughter about it.
      Yes, God did have a plan from day 1 (Jeremiah 29:11) and now I can see it clearly. I love you more My Sister.
      See you labor day weekend. 🙂

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  9. I never knew and this secret admission makes me admire you all the more. Your resilience is evolving and your testimony is FI-YAH. A lot of people suffer in silence, But God and thankful that by His grace and mercy you are free from that…. each day a new day for greatness which you have set your sights on making the gym and your prayer closet your places to purge. I applaud your transparency and thank God for you. Love you to infinity and beyond boo…. xoxo

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  10. We serve such an awesome God!!! I praise Him for His promises and His Grace and mercy He extends daily. Traci you are an awesome and blessed woman of God and I’m so grateful that God allowed our paths to cross, I’ve learned so much from you and what it means to live a sacrificial life for the furtherance of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
    Your secret is the secret of so many people who have suffered in lonely silence, I’m praying your revealing will help others to seek God for healing, salvation, restoration, and the peace of our Heavenly Father. I love you my friend. Continue to allow God to use you.

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