I swore to God & Myself that I would NEVER set foot back in Morning Star Baptist Church in Omaha, Nebraska ever again in my life. Although I “thought” I had forgiven & released others as well as myself from the events that occurred during my time there, Under the surface, I was still feeling some type of way and as I struggled with whether or not to attend church there, I felt a rumbling within me. Feelings that I had locked away began to come to the surface. God was getting ready to clean out another closet within me….time to face my skeletons. As the closet door swung open I realized that I was still Hurt & I was Angry! I was the 1st Lady, Pastor’s wife of Morning Star Baptist Church for almost 15 years. I worked, supported, lived among & Loved those people with everything within me however when “everything” happened & the marriage dissolved  “I” felt that no one publicly stood in the gap for me. I was not there to speak for myself & I felt the no one spoke up or protected me. My last Sunday at The Star (May 2013) all I wanted to do was say goodbye & I was publicly Instructed from the pulpit that I could not speak & no one spoke on my behalf. In spite of what had been said concerning the situation…Morning Star knew Me, they knew my heart, they knew my character & most importantly they knew how much I Loved Them but they quickly forgot about me. That’s how I Felt! I now realize that it was not their responsibility to cover, support or speak on my behalf. If was their responsibility to focus on the “pastor” & their church…..point blank period! As he often reminded me during our 31 year marriage “he has been called by God, not me. He is the one that is responsible for those people, not me. So those are his people, not mine.” And that became crystal clear to me. I had to understand that there is no line in the sand & no one had to pick sides (even though some people did), Morning Star could continue to love both of us & God had to take me back there so I could clearly see that.

God did exactly that! Three weeks ago I had the opportunity under the direction of God & the pressure of my mother, I returned to Morning Star. We were in town for a wedding & my mother was adamant about going to “her” church, The Star & she STRONGLY suggested I go with her. Unbeknownst to both of us…..God had already cleared the way. Of course I was nervous because I did not know what to expect but as I entered the building I felt nothing but LOVE, overwhelming, unconditional Love! It was that family reunion type of Love, that melted away everything negative that I was feeling. I realized in that moment that I needed to see them & they needed to see me. I needed to know that they still Loved Me & they needed to see that I was not longer the broken & bitter person that left almost 3 years ago….Nobody but God allowed that to happen. I now realize that my return to the place of my greatest hurt & deepest pain was yet another part of my Restoration & Redemption process. All I can say is, Too God be the Glory, another closet cleaned out, another VICTORY! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

As I was cleaning out some old emails I came upon a email from Nov 2013, where someone said to me “The same people you couldn’t stand, deal with and talked about is now the people you befriended?”, to which I would say….TRUE!

Not that I have to, but let me explain. It has been a long, difficult and painful journey from ‘there’ to here. When this all began, God promised me that if Trust and Obey him…Healing & Restoration would come and one of the first set instructions I received from God (after leaving Omaha, Ne) was to cleanse my heart and the only way to do that was to Forgive and ask for Forgiveness. I can honestly say throughout this entire process this was the most difficult part, Forgiving the people that I felt destroyed my life (to include the person who write the email) and the Humility of asking forgiveness from the people that I had hurt (knowingly and unknowingly). Yes, I did challenge God. I could not understand how I was suppose to do this while still in a broken state myself. My life was still in shambles. I was publicly humiliated, called a liar and falsely accused. My heart was broken into a million pieces. My life was gossip and topic of conversation at the local hair salons, barber shops and other gathering places and God wanted me to Forgive and further humiliate myself by Asking Forgiveness? But God’s instructions never changed. So the process began, some people accepted my “olive branch” and some didn’t and I’m OK with that. I had to learn to forgive without getting a apology. Some people called me crazy, a sell out, a suck up and in the email I was called “a manipulator” but I call it Obedience!!!

Because of that obedience, I am now at a better place in my life and moving forward. Not only physically (Florida) but relational & spiritually. I now know that in order for God to Heal & Restore Me, I had to get rid of the clogs that were stopping & blocking the process. The clogs that were within me that I was using to remain a victim of my circumstance. The clogs of Blaming Others, Bitterness, Unforgiveness and Hatred. I can say that with God’s help, I have forgiven & released everything in to his hands. Some people/things were more difficult to release than others & Believe me, I still have a LONG way to go but I am now on a continual path of Healing, Restoration & Reconciliation. I have Peace & am attempting to live at Peace with everyone, Past & Present. As I have said before…”People don’t have to be our Friends but they don’t have to our Enemies Either”.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” ~ Romans 12:18 (NIV)

The door has been opened. It has been YEARS since I’ve “freely” spoken or taught before God’s people. In my younger years as Pastor’s/Minister’s wife I did a lot of speaking & teaching however as time moved forward, the church got bigger, his ministry increased & mine decreased & I was ok with that. I loved being in the background, he was the Pastor, Teacher, Preacher, Evangelist, Singer and I loved supporting & watching him minister but I always knew in my heart that God had more for me to do. I had become comfortable & complacent in my role behind the scenes as a Wife, Mother, First Lady, Employee, however while enjoying my life…I had lost focus on my purpose. (more about that in my book). Now it’s my time to take center stage in my own life, I’m the leading character in this stage play of life & God is the director, preparing a platform from which I am to tell my story about His love, healing & restoration power. The story of how God’s will allowed me to stripped & broken so that he can build my life on a new “solid” foundation in him. A story of hope so that others will See & Know that God is real. The story of a Life Altering test that has produced a Life Building Testimony. I know…many have gone through similar situations, but no one has gone through Mine & no one can tell “My Story” but Me!

So as I stated above…The Door has been opened. When I walked into the room in Griffin, Ga, I was nervous but I knew without a doubt this was a God ordained the moment. As I began to speak the nervousness was replaced by a familiar warmness that started on my hands, moved up my arms then to my face, it was God’s Anointing, something I had not felt in years & although I had Prayed, Prepared & Practiced, it was at that moment I Knew, I was walking in my Purpose. See, God told me a long time ago, his will for my life, even though I choose not to follow that path, his will never changed. We can either take the easy way or the hard way but God’s Will Shall Be Done!
As for me…It’s not my will but Thine Will Be Done. God has equipped & empowered me to be a encouragement and speak life into the lives of his people & that’s how I try to live my life. Now don’t get me wrong….it’s a struggle because there are so many things that “I” want to do (not necessarily in this order) like,
1: Finish My Book.
2: Launch My Ministry
3: Go Back to School
4: Focus on becoming Financially Stable & Self Sufficient.
5: Maintain a healthy relationship with my children.
6: Be a present & consistent factor in the lives of my grand-daughters.
7: Stay on my path of healthy eating & my Fitness regiment.
8: Enjoy some recreational time. (Traveling & Stepping)
9: Start dating so that I can have that special someone in my life that I can grow with.
And if it be God’s will, l shall have and accomplish them all but I must seek ye first the kingdom of God (his will) and his righteousness (his way); and all these things shall be added unto you (my desires) ~ Matt 6:33.

Human Beings by nature are covetous & envious, always desiring to have what or who someone else has. We rarely think of the cost or sacrifice people have made to obtain or maintain what they have….the Story behind the Glory! The years & tears invested in painting the picture now seen. When God Blesses someone with a tangible blessing, that blessing is tailored made for whom God has given it to & can never be for anyone else. When God allows & ordains 2 people to be united together, it’s the chemistry of those 2 persons that make them who they are. So when we covet to take someone else blessing it can be a curse for us & while we may think we are getting the person we see, we are not getting that person at all, because without the “chemistry” that person no longer exist. We are only getting the remnants of what that union empowered that person to be.

So Be Warned!!! When we plot & manipulate to get what or who someone else has, we are inviting Hell into our life and the reality may be totally different than picture we created in our mind. Understand this, the something or someone who God has given to someone else can Never truly be ours & will only block the way for  what /who God has for us.

I must say God has truly overwhelmed me Again!!!  So, my lease was coming up for renewal and I needed more space. I had already prayed to God about purchasing a home and one of my request was a swimming pool. Anyone that Truly knows me, knows I LOVE to be near water. As my realtor & I were looking for homes within my price range, I could not find one with a pool. So, I decided I would forgo my request. After settling on newly built spacious beautiful 3 bedroom home in a gated community, I filled out all the paper work & was waiting to see if the offer would be accept it. During this time (4 days), I could not sleep. I had that ball in the pit of my stomach but I continued trying to convince myself that it was OK. Finally, my realtor called to tell me the good news, they approved the offer, however he could tell there was something troubling me so I explained to him that I just did have Peace about this home. Then my realtor said to me “Traci, you keep saying that God will give you the desires of your heart, so why are you settling. You have been adamant about having a pool in your back yard, so get you a house with a pool”. Needless to say I withdrew my offer and forfeited the earnest money but I know it will be well worth it, when I receive the Blessing that God has for me…….a home with a swimming pool. I said all of that to say this, I Must Practice What I Preach & Teach. I keep saying “NO SETTLING”, so I must apply this principle to every area of my life (not just a man). I am continuing to learn that I must Trust & Depend on God concerning EVERY AREA of my life, realizing that I must Accept what God allows. As I look back I realize I was getting ahead of God and I Praise Him for loving me enough to warn me and slow me down.

Although I am Thankful I didn’t settle, I must admit I was disappointed…..BUT GOD!  Now that the world wind has slowed down, I am yet again amazed by the Awesomeness of God. Within 1 week, I had a new grand-daughter (Kayden Renee Adams), went on my first contracted speaking engagement (the first of many) & Yes, I did move….into a spacious 3 bedroom apartment in the same complex I currently live in, closer to the pool. LOL. Although I may not have a “house” (right now), I do have a home and as I continue to seek God, he will continue to Bless Me with the desires of my heart  (in his time) ~ Matthew 6:33. 

Like the Dew in the Morning,
Gently Rest Upon My Heart. Like the Dew in the Morning,
Gently Rest Upon My Heart.  ~ Judith Christie Mcallister.   Our Women’s Choir sang this song last Sunday and although I had heard & sung it years ago, on last Sunday it was different, it was relevant to Me.

Over the past few weeks I have had to make some major decisions and deal with some challenges that I thought, I was not ready for. I had to decide whether or not to make a major purchase. I had to decide whether or to put my dearest companion of 13 years (Muffin) to sleep & I had a medical crisis. I know it may not see like much to you but these are huge challenges for me because I was facing them “alone”…..which is my “new normal”. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t have that 2nd opinion, that voice of reason and that made me angry & scared. Angry because my life was not suppose to be like this & Scared because I’ve never had to do this alone.

I intentionally did not consult family & friends because I needed for me & God to do this. I needed to know for myself that I could hear his voice & follow his will & direction for my life. I needed to feel the peace of God rest upon me & in my heart concerning what was going on. I needed peace about the decisions that were made & needed to be made and God did just that. He confirmed within me that I am not alone & he is my voice of reason, my 2nd opinion.

Now after much prayer & contemplating…..the decisions have been made & I feel more empowered than I’ve ever felt. I’m feeling like a “Big Girl”. I also realize that these are the first of many challenges I will face & decisions I will make in this, my “New Normal” however I am assured that God will be right there with me but today….This Day, I’m feeling Stronger, Wiser & So Much Better, I’m feeling His Peace! We did that God!!!!! #highfive#🙌🏽🙌🏽

Moment of Transparency: It’s nights like this that I wish I had that special someone that I could I tap or call & say……”Hey, I need to talk”.

Most nights I sleep like a baby, some nights I can feel God tugging at my heart requiring my attention then there are nights like tonight where I just need to talk.

One of benefits of being married for over 31 years was having someone who I felt comfortable sharing my most intimate thoughts with. Someone who I had no doubt, cared about me & with no hesitation would wake up when I tap & answer when I call. Honestly, “sometimes” I miss that. I miss having a companion. I miss what a companion brings to my life (it has nothing to do with sex). It’s about having that significant person in your life that has you & you have them. It’s about having that person in your life that cares for you, like you care for them. It’s about having that person in your life that sacrifices for you, like you sacrifice for them. It’a about being someone’s first thought in the morning, last thought at night & constant thought in between & that person being yours. Divorce took that from me and on nights like this,  has left me alone but not hopeless. I have not given up on Love, that’s the “hopeless romantic” in me. It’s on nights like this, that I talk to God. I tell him my most intimate  thoughts. I let him know that I am focused on becoming a Better Me for Him, Me & the one he has for me. I let God know that I am going to patiently wait for him to send the person he has chosen for me to build a future with. The person who’s Actions reflect their True Feelings. The person who is patient enough to peel back the layers & tare down the walls of protection that I have erected so they can reach my heart. The person who will love & accept me for Me…flows & all. The person who wants to be on this journey of “life” with me. (YES, I am Ready & Willing to do the same.). The person who understands that I am not girlfriend material, I am Wife material!

But until then I guess I will have to get use to nights like this because I refuse to settle for less than the “one” God has for me.

I was recently asked if I could leave some “golden nuggets” on the table, what would it be. What would I consider to be the greatest lessons that life has taught me.

1: Never Say Never! ~ No matter what we say, do or think, the reality is….God is in Control. Life will do what it wants & there is nothing we can do about it. The only thing we can control is Ourselves. Either we can allow life and it’s circumstances to make us Angry, Bitter & Negative or we can choose to use those circumstances to Live Better, Do Better & Be Better. I choose BETTER!!!!!

2: Invest in You! ~ We are our Greatest commodity. Psalms 139:14 say “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well”. We were created to be Wonderful, Strong individuals, however we have allowed situations, circumstances and society to mold us into becoming weak & needy. We must strives to educate and motivate ourselves to be Wiser and Stronger…..Spiritually, Mentally, Physically and Financially. Some of us are held hostage by jobs, relationships & circumstances because we have allowed ourselves to become dependent upon someone else to take care of us. I admit, I was her. Although I have always worked, I made no provisions for “my” future, I never considered the “what if” so now I’m learning and experiencing things in my 50’s that most people learned in their 20’s & 30’s. When I say Invest in You, I’m not saying to neglect your responsibilities, it’s the opposite. By investing in you and becoming a Better You, you become a better person, a better daughter, a better mother, a better wife, a better employee, a better friend. By Investing in You, you equip yourself to be able to survive & thrive if the “what if” happens in your life. By investing in you. you become a example to others. By investing in you, you leave a legacy that your children, grandchildren & grand-children can build upon. By Investing in You…..Your making a investment for everyone you are attached to. What better Gift can you be, than to be Best You!  

3: Never Settle! ~ Very few people ever meet their true “soul mate” because we settle for what’s convenient. The him or her that fills a void, that fills the loneliness, the one that is compatible to us and has what we need. The reality is, we can’t force a relationship, either the chemistry is there or its not. If it’s not then we must have the courage to be honest with ourselves and the others and…..Move On! Just because someone is a great friend to us, does not mean they are meant to be anything more. If by chance you find “the one”, don’t allow difficult circumstances to make you give up. Make it your life’s mission to make them happy, giving 100% at all times. Always be willing to carry the weight when the other one can’t. Don’t fight with each other but fight for your relationship, against the world to keep others out, staying true to one another because True Love is never easy but it’s Always Unconditional and you may only find 1 in a lifetime.

There comes a time in life when we all will face the crossroads. The fork in the road where one road will lead you to Victory and other will lead you to Defeat. It’s not a trick choice….We Know the Roads, but the question is do we have the courage it takes to face the truth about OUR LIFE and make the decision to change or will we continue to live in the false reality that we have created to convince ourselves that we are OK?

I can only speak for me so let me put it to you this way. No matter how much I tuck it in, strap it up or tie it down, when I stand before a mirror naked, I see myself how I really Look! No matter what I tell other’s or post on Social Media, when I am alone in my room, the makeup is off, the hair is wrapped and there is no one but me and my thoughts….That’s when I face my Reality! No matter how many books I read, how inspiring I am or how many scriptures I quote, when it’s just God, me & his word, that’s when my Truth is revealed! That’s when I face my crossroads! Not what others see but what I see, what I know and who I truly am! That’s when I have look within myself and determine if I want to continue living the facade I have created for the masses or do I sincerely want to be better, do better & live better…Yes, I want Better! There is something within me that continues to push me & reminds me that I have to stop making excuses and take responsibility for Myself, my personal growth and continued healing. I must stop making excuses for not being where I want to be in life. Stop making excuses for not being Happy in life. Stop making excuses for my Financial Situation in life. Stop making Excuses for my negative behavior and bad attitude. Stop making excuses for the bad decisions that I made. Just Stop Making Excuses and Get up off my “Do Nothing” (as my Nana would say) and Do Something. Because at the end of the day, the only person that is Hindered is Me or the only person that Prospers is Me!

So, I’m telling you the same thing. Life will only get better when you make the Conscious Decision (in your mind and by your actions) to make it Better. Change can be painful but it’s necessary for Progress and Growth.No, it’s not easy, you may have to walk alone, you will cry and wonder why & it may get worst before it gets better but they will GET BETTER. I always say this because it’s true, 2 of the greatest gifts God gave to mankind are the gifts of Choice & the ability to Change. You have to make the ‘choice’ to ‘change’ your situation for You! Some of you are on a life-like ventilator & if you don’t start breathing (living) on your own, your going to spend the rest of you life relying on someone or something else to sustain you. Fear and complacency will take root while your window of opportunity closes. Look at Peter in Matthew 14:28-31, he choose to risk it all & get out of boat! You are at the crossroads……the Decision is yours & the Time is NOW!

Why am I writing this, First, because I see so many people ‘stuck’ in the rut of merely existing and not living. Secondly, I don’t want anyone to make the same mistake I made, I gave my all to help someone else obtain their success by sacrificing mine. But this is not a sad ending for me. My quest has only just begun and I’m going after mine…….Don’t Believe me, Just Watch Me!