I remember hearing a sermon a long time ago where the preacher was talking about “Getting In Position”. He was talking about how a coach makes a play book for his team. The coach will give all of the players instructions concerning each play. Some of the plays can be played several different ways and sometimes the player doesn’t know exactly how it will play out but all the players have to make sure they are in position. That’s how I feel in my life is right now. I don’t know exactly what God is doing but I feel a sense of urgency to get things done……understanding that I must get and STAY in position so when God says Move, I won’t be getting ready I will BE READY!!!!!

Have you ever gone to a place and when you arrived you knew beyond all doubt that you were meant to be there?  You didn’t really know what to expect but you knew something wonderful was about to take place and afterwards your life would never be the same. That’s was what happened to me when I arrived in Omaha Nebraska on Nov 2, 2017 for the Heart2Heart Women’s Ministry “I Am Her” Conference. Normally when I arrive at Eppley Airfield I’m immediately overcome  with a flood of emotions that only intensifies as I take that long walk from the plane, down the escalator to the baggage claim area but this time it was different. As the plane landed I felt a sense of excitement, I had a spirit of expectation that something wonderful was going to happen.

That was 4 weeks ago and my life has been going 100 miles per hour since I arrived back in Tampa. I now know that that conference was the launching pad to my ‘next chapter’. God has opened so many doors of opportunity for me and everything he has promised me is through those doors, however it’s up to me to ‘go get it’ and that is exactly what I’m doing. I’m literally flying blind following God’s guidance as he is preparing  the way. I am embarking in new and uncharted territory…launching a new ‘official’ business, branching out on the social media platform,  I have a solicited a “writing partner” to assist me in completing my book (the prologue and outline are done). I know that God has something Great in store for me and he is getting in position to receive. I’m on the runway ready to take off in whatever direction God is sending me and The Sky Is The Limit!!!!!

It’s been a while since I have blogged, not sure why. I just didn’t feel inspired to blog and I’m not one to try to force it. I understand if it’s not God inspired then it will not inspire the readers, but today I feel it. I’m sitting here reflecting on the fact that November 3rd 2017, 3 days from today will mark the 5th anniversary of my departure from Omaha Nebraska and my 31 year marriage.

As I look back on those dark years I can now see that the hand of God carried me. He carried through the days that I don’t remember. He carried me through days when my health was at it’s worst. I remember so many days saying “I’m not going to make it”. I remember days when the pain in my heart was so bad I thought it would kill me, but God carried me. It was 4 years ago that I tried to end my life…BUT GOD said Not So and for that, I am forever grateful.

Although some things have remained the same, so much has changed.God promised me if I Trust and Obey him, he would restore my life. I must be honest, I often wondered how he would do that. What would he do to replace my prior life. What life would be like without my husband, without my church, without my friends, without those who had over the past 30 years had become family. What it would be like living in a new place, starting over and doing Everything on my own. But as the song goes “While I trying to figure it out, God was working out” and I can say without hesitation, My Life Is Great!!! It’s not about having ‘stuff’ it’s about having Peace……Peace of Mind, Heart & Soul. It’s about being free to ‘Be Me’ without fear or apology.

So as I sit here today November 1, 2017, I’m in awe of all that God has done / is doing in my life and all I can say is THANK YOU LORD!!!!  Who would have thought that I would one day be able to tell and write this story without tears streaming down my face. Who would have thought 5 years later that there would be Life More Abundantly, Joy Unspeakable & Laughter Uncontrollably. Who would have thought there would be RESTORATION!!!!!!!

To Her,

I have never had the opportunity to address you directly, nor do I want to but as I sit here reflecting on the past….the hurt, the deception, the treachery, the embarrassment, the shame and the suicide attempt. I don’t think you really understand the magnitude of your actions…you deliberately set out to destroy my life, my family. You came into my life weaving your way into the fabric, pretending to be an ally when all the time working your scheme from within. I never would have thought it would be you!

I am over the hurt, but still greatly disappointed. No, not because we had a close friendship, but because I’ve always believed there is a moral code between all women, one that we were born with. As much as we may try to silence it or ignore it — it’s still there. I’m not solely blaming you for what happened because I truly believe it would have occurred sooner or later in some form or another but you do have a responsibility.

I posted on my FB page yesterday (Oct 15, 2015) that the last 4 days have been very peculiar. My mind & emotions were all over the place. It all culminated while I was listening to Pandora Radio (y’all know I love music) the song “Remember” by Kecia Cole came on. I had heard the song several times but this time I “listened” to it. As those words filled my ears, I became completely overwhelmed as my memory flashed back to 3:00am on Nov 3, 2012…the day I left Omaha, Nebraska, the day I walked out of my 30 year marriage.

Some people believe that because I talk, write, post & blog about my feelings & what has happened in my life that I’m stuck in the past. I’ve been told that I need to “be quiet, get over it and move on”. Exactly what does that mean? Oh, I get the “be quiet” part, Not Happening and I get the “move on” part, believe me I’m Doing That…..but I’m trying to understand the “get over it” part, that’s where I’m stuck. How is that done? How do you erase 31 years of memories (good, bad, happy & sad) that can be easily triggered by a smell, a song, a picture, a voice, a phrase. a TV show, a piece of clothing & so many other things, which lead to a flood of emotions? How do you shut down your mind & heart so that you can’t remember or feel? The honest answer is You CAN’T!! But with God’s help and time, we will heal & the pain will decrease and eventually fade but there will always be a scare “the memories”.

There are some people who don’t want me to tell the story, speak my truth but I will not allow anyone but God to ever silence me again. I believe a person is only as sick as their secret and that healing-resolve can only begin when the secret is acknowledged. When we keep things bottle up inside, they become like a cancer that lies dormant, yet slowly causes destruction, so I choose to allow myself to FEEL & express those feelings by writing. Some of those writings, I choose to make public, for the benefit of myself & others. There was time in my life when I kept things bottled up inside and that nearly destroyed me and was definitely a factor in the demise of my marriage. So let me make this clear, as the wave of memories & emotions come flooding back to my mind & heart…..I will write. I will Post, I will Blog & I will Tell my story in my Words! #Revelation 12:11#

If a person wanted to date you, what would be a No-Go???

1: If they are married. I don’t care if they have been separated for 100 years, if they have not dissolved that relationship…THEY ARE STILL MARRIED. This displays a lack of respect for myself & others involved and a total disregard for the sanctity of marriage, which I “whole-heartedly” believe in.

2: If they have approached (tried to talk to), been in or still in any type of romantic relationship with my family or friends. I don’t care how long ago yall broke-up, I don’t cross that line. That’s Family/Friend code of ethic #101.
This displays no self control, low character, lack of integrity and total disrespect to myself & others involved.

3: If they are having problems with their ex-wife, ex-significant other or child/children s mother, I don’t need nor want those type of problems. I can’t control the actions of others but I can control mine & I don’t want No Extra Exterior Drama….Period!!!

4: If they are not Self Sufficient, Independent & Mature. I am 51 years old, I work 10-12 hours a day to take care of me & mine.
Self Sufficient = At least has to able to at least pay “his” own way because I can certainly pay mine.
Independent = Have his OWN (legal) source of income and his own stuff..house or apartment & car.
Mature = be able to have a mature conversation. I don’t listen to rap, I don’t “club” & I don’t hang out with children (mine are 24 & 26). I go to stepping sets, adult only (Over 35) events, movies, dinner, walks on the beach, etc..

5: If they smoke…..I can’t do smoke of any kind.

What could possibly cause people to get divorced after being married 31 years???

I’m still asking that question myself. I have Always said “Divorce is not an option” and I still stand on those words. I can admit and accept responsibility for my part in the demise of my marriage (which will be detailed in my book), but I wasn’t the one that wanted to end it, I didn’t file for divorce. I am a firm believer that with God’s help we could have overcame anything and that was my hearts desire…..to save my marriage but I guess our hearts were going in to 2 different directions so he wanted a divorce, God allowed it and had to accept it.

Would you ever marry again?

Absolutely, I will marry again because I loved being married. Marriage is not the problem, it’s the “people” in the marriage. I also realize that I’m a relationship type person. I have always been like this, I guess that’s how I stayed faithfully married for 31 years.

Have you started dating?

After leaving Omaha & my divorce, I made a conscience decision to take some time to allow God to work on/in me, focus on my children (their mental & spiritual well being) & other things that God was directing me to. Being in a relationship “marriage” for over 30 years & having it end the way it did caused some major damage to me and I’m not afraid or ashamed to admit that. Because of the length, intensity and intimacy of my relationship, I’m am aware that there will always be residue from that relationship but I am willing to do whatever it takes to minimize the effect of that residue because I certainly did not want to carry all of that baggage into a new relationship. I also didn’t want to jump right into another relationship or in/out of multiple relationships in a attempt to fill a void.
So to answer your question YES, I have started dating. 🙂

The writer wrote: Hi Ms. Traci, I’m sure you don’t remember me but we have had several encounters on the church scene here in Omaha & I can say without hesitation that you are one of the most welcoming, warm hearted, person’s (First Lady) I have ever met. No matter where I saw you….You would speak to me & hug like you really knew me…LOL! I was saddened to hear of your departure & even more saddened (sickened) over the circumstances. Of course I heard the rumors, however I choose not to involve myself in that mess, but I choose to watch how you would handle & deal with all of this & I am in AWE! Ms. Traci, when I saw you at Morning Star Labor Day weekend, I just Thanked God with tears running down my face because I could see that your Joy is Real, your Love is Genuine and your Light is Shinning. God has TRULY BLESSED YOU and it Shows! Your being in the house (MSBC) brought a Peace, a Fresh wave that since your departure…has been missing and I was Blessed to be there. I just want to know, how did you do it Ms. Traci? What steps did you take to overcome the Hurt, the Betrayal, the Public Embarrassment. How did you not become Angry, Bitter or seek revenge? How do you deal with current situation?

I can honestly say..it was not me. I wanted to do all of the things you mentioned above. Because I was hurt, I wanted to hurt the person/people that had hurt me. I can’t even explain it….it was like God “switched” me off & would not let me react and when I wanted to God placed people around me that would settle me. Even though my physical body was being affected…..mentally, emotionally & spiritually I was Numb…completely numb. God did not allow me to experience the emotions of the situation until I arrived in Florida. I now know that God placed me under the protection on my family (especially my big-sister Mariah) because of how vulnerable I would be during this process. God had to allow me to be completely broken, so that “HE” would be the foundation on which my new life would be built. For the first 4 weeks after my arrival in Florida I didn’t go church, I didn’t talk to anyone (but my sister & mom), it was just God & Me, in that little room in Lake Wales, Florida! So to answer your question…..I completely & totally surrendered MYSELF to God.

How do I deal with the current situation….I DON’T! It has nothing to do with me. God in his infinite wisdom removed me from the situation and I STAY REMOVED! I don’t allow anyone to bring me information & I don’t look for information. My Children, My Grandchildren, most of My Family & My Life is in Florida…that’s where my focus is.