I have Never, I Mean Never spoken to anyone about this except My Doctors and my friend Kathy Tyree. I thought is was my secret until my daughter mentioned it in casual conversation recently saying….”Mom, Do you still throw-up? I remember when you used to do that all the time”. I sat there in shock…..I thought no one knew “My Secret”!
Anyone that knows or pays attention to me can tell when my life is in crisis because I go through a period of drastic weight loss. Whenever I’m facing a overwhelming stressful situation I go to the place where I am in complete control…..I control what stays in my body. The clinical definition is Bulimia Nervosa. Bulimia Nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by ‘episodes’ of excessive overeating, followed by a variety of compensatory actions to avoid weight gain, including vomitting, laxatives, fasting or immoderate exercise.
I started the practice of bulimia my Freshman year of High School. I have always had a negative self image of myself, feeling like I was too light to be black & too dark to be white. I was always called “white girl” and told I had “weird eyes” which caused me to not look people in the eye when they spoke to me. When I initially started the practice bulimia it had nothing to do with my weight, it had to do with control. I could not control what people said, where I lived, where I went to school, what was happening in my home or my life but I could control what stayed in my body & as strange as it sounds it made me feel better.
Immediately after high school I got married and I promised myself that I would not do this anymore. I kept that promise for about 6 years but as time passed, special attention was being paid to my consistent weight gain. I remember when we came across a picture that was taken in Germany & the statement was made that “we look like the number 10”. Although I laughed I was crushed inside. It was this type ridicule, along with the fact that ‘I’ always felt like I was competing for the attention of my spouse that acerbated the situation, thus began my continuous cycle of weight gain/weight loss and almost 25 year constant struggle with Bulimia (binging, purging & excessive exercising)
When crisis or challenges came in my life, whether it was family, home, work, church or my marriage, I always felt that it was my responsibility to handle it and I did, not realizing the pressure I was putting on myself. I was a wife, a mother, a employee, the first lady (the Sr. Pastor’s wife) and it was my responsibility to make sure Everyone was healthy & happy and I did a Great Job. No one can ever say I didn’t take “Great” care of my family! I balanced it all for over 29 years with the help of ‘My Secret’ which I did off & on until it seemed everything came crashing down in 2011. My children had left home, my marriage was deteriorating and there seem to be nothing I could do to save it so the practice of Bulimia became my constant companion. Most of the time I was alone so I would work extra hours then go to the gym, workout to the point of exhaustion, go home, eat vegetables, purge, take a sleeping pill, wake up the next day, take caffeine pills to make it through the day and this was my daily ritual for over a year. I didn’t realize the toll this practice was taking on my Body, my Heart, my Blood Pressure, my Kidney’s, my Esophagus & my Teeth. When I went to my doctor for my annual physical in April of 2011, I weighed 244 lbs. When I went back in April 2012, I had lost 78 lbs. Then after passing out at work in September 2012, I was told I had lost another 38 pounds & By October 2012 I had lost a total of 128 lbs in 18 months & weighed 116 pounds. I had spiraled out of control & did not know how to reel it back in. *more about this in my book*
That was then, this is now May 2015. Although I still struggle with the urges that come with Bulimia & have faced many crisis is my life……I have not binged or purged in 2 years! As of April 2015, I am off ALL MEDICATIONS! I’m learning to ask for help, admit when I’m overwhelmed, express my feelings and accept that everything may not be OK, but I AM. I’m healthy & maintaining a healthy weight with diet & exercise. My hair is longer & healthier than it has ever been (I even see my edges growing in. LOL). My skin is clear & bright and my skin tone is anything but pale (Thank you Florida sun). I’m feeling & looking better than I have in years…….PRAISE GOD for Deliverance. He said he would do it & HE DID!!!
livingbeneathhisshadow 